I have noticed (since I anticipate 7am every morning) that there is a train that will idle on the tracks behind work and does not move for about 45 minutes. Until 7am when I am walking out the door and it begins to accelerate towards the north and the crossing that I have to pass in order to go home. Sure enough by the time I get in my car and drive out of the parking lot I end up waiting for the train as it slowly accelerates towards its destination. What I wonder is this- does the engineer wait until he sees me walk out the door to begin his slow meandering? It is the reason I find myself comparing my life to waiting at the railroad crossing since it happens on a daily basis. Since I spend all night just sitting in front of a computer that has no internet access, and sadly no games I am veritably salivating for freedom by 5am... Luckily I am able to watch dvd's on the work sanctioned television but for security reasons they have banned laptops, portable dvd players and my blackberry. Although I am not sure how my blackberry can be a threat I abide by the rules even though I just recently learned how to write a blog on it and post it from the phone. Meh. But I do read fashion magazines all night and Vogue has helped to fill the void that my Simpsons game on my phone used to. May be time to bring some crosswords to work... But no sudoku since it is too much like math.

Vampires are Real...

This was originally posted on my myspace blog but because of douchebaggery I had to make my profile private- so I am posting it here because it is still AWESOME!

Saturday night and it is stifling at work so I throw open the doors to let in some much needed air. In ten minutes my graveyard relief will be here and I can go home to prowl the myspace. I see a car in the small lot out back- a white compact with some kind of seal on the side. I realize that it is the security company that comes by to make sure I am not accosted in the ten steps it takes to get to my car. I assume it is the girl I see every weekend or so and wave. I rush back over to my computer terminal to answer the phone. Someone walks into the office and in my peripheral vision it looks like a man instead of the little girl I was expecting.

He stands about 6'3" and is of a medium, if somewhat poochy around the middle, build. He is wearing a baseball cap that I know hides a receding hairline and his light brown hair is of a medium shaggy length. He has a light brown beard that hides a round face and large glasses that hide his eyes. I am immediately outside my comfort zone by his mere presence, but not because he intimidates me physically. I am too old to play games and not afraid to kick his ass if provoked. The intimidation is more on a primitive, "this man is fucking crazy", sort of level. I can feel it in the air between us and want to run. But I can't. He asks me how I am and I say I'm tired.

"Nice to meet you Tired. I'm David, like the king," he says. I laugh and say, oh no that's not my name and I know from the king comment that I have a special creature here and cannot help but start a conversation. I tell him about the book and he says he has seen many things and is writing a book about his own life. I say oh no, my book is about vampires. And he is hooked.

"They're real you know", he says, "I had a friend in SF meet one who jumped off the Transamerica building and turned to smoke halfway down. Then he comes around the corner unharmed and asked my friend if he thought it was a neat trick."

... And it happens, if for one brief moment in time, I become Liz. She is Scully to my Mulder and I feel what she feels whenever I talk to her about vampires, werewolves, lions and tigers and bears, oh my. And in my head I hear this: {{{{{{SIGH}}}}}}. And I do just that, I sigh really really loud before I open my mouth to talk to this loser.

"I know you might think that vampires are real," I say, "but immortal blood drinkers that can jump off of the Transamerica building and survive aren't. And if they were I am sure that they would not do it just to impress some half assed mortal friend of yours."

And so it begins, he opens his mouth and what comes out is somewhat striking.

"I have seen demons and I am compelled by the power of God to cast them out and back from whence they came. I deal with the vampires and demons from a christian perspective, and therefore I have power over them and all other evil creatures"

Is this really happening? And how, oh how, can I turn down this gift?

"Well, from a pagan perspective (his eyes gleam on the very word) I can tell you that demons or no, you can't classify a demon as evil or anything else. Demons just are, evil and good are constructs of the human mind. They don't make a conscious decision to be evil, they just are what they are."

And he seems to explode before my very eyes into a televangelist. And begins a rant that goes a little something like this:

"Demons are evil! Evil and Good are not human constructs- they are constructs of the one true GOD! How can you think that they are human constructs? That is Godless thinking. If a man lay with a woman who is not his wife, he is EVIL."
"Um, okay, but if a lion kills a zebra is he evil?" I ask.

"No, that's nature- so lions are not evil." He says. And I have my opening. "Well, since lions are not human and demons aren't human I guess neither one can be evil, because evil is a human thing." And he explodes again.

"NO NO NO....Demons are made of the same spiritual material as we are so they make a conscious choice to be evil. They are nothing but fallen angels having chosen to turn their backs on God and his Glory and therefore they are evil and I will send them back to Hell where they belong."

"Fallen angels are one thing, but not all demons are fallen angels. They're just demons" I say, giving him bait for another explosion.

My graveyard relief had walked in a few minutes before and was not looking in our direction but chose this moment to say to me: "Call me in a few minutes I have a question for you." And I realize that I have wasted almost 20 minutes of my life on this fool and I have to double back in less than 8 hours. So I tell him "We will have to agree to disagree on this subject. Good Night." And he follows me out the door. To my car. And keeps talking about angels and demons and how could I not know the truth? He then goes on about Satanists using demons to heal and to kill and I have to stop. Demons don't heal. And I tell him this:

"Look, demons don't have healing powers (in my head I add you fucking moron) they can only destroy, not create. I don't know where you get your information, but I was raised Catholic and we have the market cornered on the angels and demons thing, capisce?"

I said it, I said capisce as though I were an Italian American Catholic who was done having this conversation. And I am so done.

But he can't stop. "You know there are Catholic priests who just do exorcisms?"

"Yes" I say.

"And I've known some priests who worshipped satan too- they were satanists." And with that he has sounded the death knell on any and all doubts as to whether he has a thread of sanity in him.

"We will have to agree to disagree," I tell him and get in my car, shut the door and drive the hell away from him.

When I call the graveyard operator she tells me to never let him in the office. Because he's crazy and has been kicked out of like every church in the area because of his radical beliefs. I am not stunned. Just glad that I left when I did and hopeful that I have not recruited a new stalker. Because he looked like he wanted to save my soul. But if he tries I'll send my demonic minions to straighten him out.

America's Next Top CelebreModeLoserSurvivor

I have 2 roommates who LOVE reality tv and celebrity gossip shows. The looks they give me and each other when I ask things like "What the hell is The Hills?" and "Who gives a shit if Spencer and his girlfriend (her name escapes me) are getting married?" are priceless- they know that my pop culture knowledge is usually about 10 years behind the times- I watched Buffy some 3 or 4 years after it ended. I don't understand the obsession with the minutiae of the lives of celebrities. Don't get me wrong- even though I wear all black clothing I am truly obsessed with fashion. I love clothes, shoes and handbags. I have no idea who half of the celebrities are but I can tell you a lot about Giselle Bundchen- mostly why I HATE the bangs in her latest Dior ads. Bangs are a terrible thing on some people... I know because I have had them and they look terrible on me. But to sit in front of the tv watching paparazzi harass some poor chick in a fedora leaving someone named Lohan's house is sad- I mean, what the f@#k people? This is the main reason I would NEVER want to be a celebrity~ I cherish my privacy and even though I am willing to share the boring minutiae of my everyday existence with you I am not being chased by photographers. Thank the Gods- I would probably be the worst celebrity ever- I would offer the dumb people chasing me coffee or champagne and ask them what their story is.

The best reality tv is and always will be the show COPS... I love it because it makes me feel really effing smart to see the drunk guy argue that he cannot be arrested for DUI since he made it to his house and is no longer in his car... {{{SIGH}}} If that does not make one feel as though they could become a Rhodes Scholar then nothing will. Except perhaps the country bumpkin wedding show. Makes me completely happy about being single- because, hey, at least I'm not marrying some unemployed loser who is going hunting the morning of the wedding, right?

Welcome to the Jungle...

Of my mind... It's not the most organized or normal of places~ but I do believe that perhaps together we can navigate the waters of my insanity together. I had a dream last night (which would actually be sometime during the morning hours since I work graveyard) that I was traveling to Lebanon to look for my true love who has been missing for about 20 years. Long story short I am up in the middle of the day writing about trains. Weird I know. The Simpsons Movie is on tv so I am tuned in and wondering if I will get to sleep anytime soon. Probably not. I will give it the old college try though and see where it takes me. I think anyone who reads my blog is rad so get on with your rad self :)