Saturday night and it is stifling at work so I throw open the doors to let in some much needed air. In ten minutes my graveyard relief will be here and I can go home to prowl the myspace. I see a car in the small lot out back- a white compact with some kind of seal on the side. I realize that it is the security company that comes by to make sure I am not accosted in the ten steps it takes to get to my car. I assume it is the girl I see every weekend or so and wave. I rush back over to my computer terminal to answer the phone. Someone walks into the office and in my peripheral vision it looks like a man instead of the little girl I was expecting.
He stands about 6'3" and is of a medium, if somewhat poochy around the middle, build. He is wearing a baseball cap that I know hides a receding hairline and his light brown hair is of a medium shaggy length. He has a light brown beard that hides a round face and large glasses that hide his eyes. I am immediately outside my comfort zone by his mere presence, but not because he intimidates me physically. I am too old to play games and not afraid to kick his ass if provoked. The intimidation is more on a primitive, "this man is fucking crazy", sort of level. I can feel it in the air between us and want to run. But I can't. He asks me how I am and I say I'm tired.
"Nice to meet you Tired. I'm David, like the king," he says. I laugh and say, oh no that's not my name and I know from the king comment that I have a special creature here and cannot help but start a conversation. I tell him about the book and he says he has seen many things and is writing a book about his own life. I say oh no, my book is about vampires. And he is hooked.
"They're real you know", he says, "I had a friend in SF meet one who jumped off the Transamerica building and turned to smoke halfway down. Then he comes around the corner unharmed and asked my friend if he thought it was a neat trick."
... And it happens, if for one brief moment in time, I become Liz. She is Scully to my Mulder and I feel what she feels whenever I talk to her about vampires, werewolves, lions and tigers and bears, oh my. And in my head I hear this: {{{{{{SIGH}}}}}}. And I do just that, I sigh really really loud before I open my mouth to talk to this loser.
"I know you might think that vampires are real," I say, "but immortal blood drinkers that can jump off of the Transamerica building and survive aren't. And if they were I am sure that they would not do it just to impress some half assed mortal friend of yours."
And so it begins, he opens his mouth and what comes out is somewhat striking.
"I have seen demons and I am compelled by the power of God to cast them out and back from whence they came. I deal with the vampires and demons from a christian perspective, and therefore I have power over them and all other evil creatures"
Is this really happening? And how, oh how, can I turn down this gift?
"Well, from a pagan perspective (his eyes gleam on the very word) I can tell you that demons or no, you can't classify a demon as evil or anything else. Demons just are, evil and good are constructs of the human mind. They don't make a conscious decision to be evil, they just are what they are."
And he seems to explode before my very eyes into a televangelist. And begins a rant that goes a little something like this:
"Demons are evil! Evil and Good are not human constructs- they are constructs of the one true GOD! How can you think that they are human constructs? That is Godless thinking. If a man lay with a woman who is not his wife, he is EVIL."
"Um, okay, but if a lion kills a zebra is he evil?" I ask.
"No, that's nature- so lions are not evil." He says. And I have my opening. "Well, since lions are not human and demons aren't human I guess neither one can be evil, because evil is a human thing." And he explodes again.
"NO NO NO....Demons are made of the same spiritual material as we are so they make a conscious choice to be evil. They are nothing but fallen angels having chosen to turn their backs on God and his Glory and therefore they are evil and I will send them back to Hell where they belong."
"Fallen angels are one thing, but not all demons are fallen angels. They're just demons" I say, giving him bait for another explosion.
My graveyard relief had walked in a few minutes before and was not looking in our direction but chose this moment to say to me: "Call me in a few minutes I have a question for you." And I realize that I have wasted almost 20 minutes of my life on this fool and I have to double back in less than 8 hours. So I tell him "We will have to agree to disagree on this subject. Good Night." And he follows me out the door. To my car. And keeps talking about angels and demons and how could I not know the truth? He then goes on about Satanists using demons to heal and to kill and I have to stop. Demons don't heal. And I tell him this:
"Look, demons don't have healing powers (in my head I add you fucking moron) they can only destroy, not create. I don't know where you get your information, but I was raised Catholic and we have the market cornered on the angels and demons thing, capisce?"
I said it, I said capisce as though I were an Italian American Catholic who was done having this conversation. And I am so done.
But he can't stop. "You know there are Catholic priests who just do exorcisms?"
"Yes" I say.
"And I've known some priests who worshipped satan too- they were satanists." And with that he has sounded the death knell on any and all doubts as to whether he has a thread of sanity in him.
"We will have to agree to disagree," I tell him and get in my car, shut the door and drive the hell away from him.
When I call the graveyard operator she tells me to never let him in the office. Because he's crazy and has been kicked out of like every church in the area because of his radical beliefs. I am not stunned. Just glad that I left when I did and hopeful that I have not recruited a new stalker. Because he looked like he wanted to save my soul. But if he tries I'll send my demonic minions to straighten him out. 
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